• Dave Orlansky

Brett Kavanaugh: My Side of the Story

I, Brett Kavanaugh, would like to take this opportunity to clear my name of any wrongdoing. The notion that I could have ever sexually assaulted a woman in my past is downright preposterous. For starters, I am a virgin. Yes, I have a beautiful and loving wife, whom I have been happily married to for the past 14 years. But let me be clear: we have never engaged in sexual activity of any kind. We sleep fully clothed in completely separate twin beds at night with a good fifteen feet in between us. When one of us gets an urge, we engage in what we call “sensual staring contests,” in which we make silent, prolonged eye contact with one another until one or both of us climaxes. It is quite satisfying I might add.


So how, you might ask, do I explain my two children? Simple: Artificial insemination. It was the only way. And let me be clear - those were the only two times in my life I have ever masturbated. In both instances, I relied on very intense, private readings of passages from my pocket constitution to get me off since I find pornographic material utterly degrading to women.


Additionally, I could not have sexually assaulted a woman because not only am I a virgin, but I’ve also never even touched a woman before. I completely refrain from handshakes or hugs with the opposite sex. I find high-fives extremely inappropriate. When I am in the same room as a woman, I make sure to keep my hands in my pockets and I stand at least ten yards away at all times. When I am in an elevator and a woman enters, I look down at my shoes and quietly hum the national anthem until I reach my floor.

So how could I, Brett Kavanaugh, a virgin who has never even touched a woman before, commit sexual assault? Impossible, I say.

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