• levinjoshuaa

My Wife Left Me

Ext. A man is seen humming while nailing a “for sale” sign into the ground outside of a home. It is a beautiful sunny day.


Ron the Realtor

(in a singsongy voice)

I’m going to sell this house, I’m getting this deal done, because nobody beats the Realtor named Ron.


(Phone rings)

Ron picks up the phone.


Ron Hey Rhonda, haha, Rhonda, that’s like my name, with a duh (slaps his knee and starts chuckling...pauses clears throat) Anyway, I’m at the Mellon estate and have some buyers lined up, what's going on? There was a call from my darling wife….what did my little ray of sunshine have to say...my little skittle dish said what....my piping hot french onion soup is leaving me…(starts weeping) are you telling my that my cinnamony milk after a bowl of cinnamon toast crunch wants a divorce?! (Starts bawling) No its okay Rhonda, I can still do this, it’s fine.  Here comes the first couple now.


A husband and wife walk up to Ron who is blowing his nose into a pile of tissues.


Wife

Excuse me, are you Ron?


Ron

(trying to smile) Yes thats me! (singsongy) You want a deal done, come to Realtor Ron. And you must be…


Husband

I’m Harry and this is my wife.


Ron

(starts crying again) Wife...that’s what I used to call her.


The husband and wife look at each other.


Husband

We can come back another time if you’re busy.


Ron

No, no, please come in.  Let’s start on the deck. It’s the perfect place to relax at the end of a long hard day and catch a few (pauses, winces) rays of sunshine (breaks down again).


Wife

I think we’ll have to come back another time, thanks anyway Ron.


The husband and wife scurry away.


Ron

(singsongy to himself) It’s okay I’ll still sell this home, I just can’t think about my wife leaving me all alone. (Normal voice speaking to himself) Maybe I should really start inside though.


A man with his two kids comes up to the door.


Ron

Hello good sir. Why don’t you and the boys come right inside!


Everyone walks in the front door.


Dad

Thanks for seeing us on such short notice. The boys and I had some time after their little league game.


Boy 1

Dad can we have a snack?

Boy 2

Yea dad I want some candy?


Ron

If you ever want some candy, Realtor Ron has it handy.  Come on into the dining room, I have a nice bowl of (pauses, starts sniffling and whispering to himself) come on Ron, keep it together. (Out loud) A big bowl of skittles (starts crying again) go on, taste the rainbow (snot is now coming out as he speaks).


Boy 1

Uh dad?


Dad

Let’s go sons


Dad and sons run out of the house.


Ron

(Singsongy again) It might be hard to talk about sweets, but Realtor Ron will not be beat.


An elderly couple approaches.

Ron

Look at these two young studs! Why don’t start in the kitchen?


Elderly Man

Okay, thats fine. We actually had a question about the stove.

Ron

Sure, go ahead.


Elderly man

Well my wife here, she was a cook for a long time, and is a fan of fine cuisine.  Does the stove have a broiler?


Ron

Why of course it does! This is the top of the line Broiler9000.


Elderly Man

Do you hear that honey? Sounds perfect for when you need to put the finishing touches on your...


Ron

(whispering to himself) Oh no…


Elderly Man

Piping Hot French Onion Soup


Ron

(shouting) Get out right now you monsters!


Elderly woman

Why, I never!


Elderly couple walks out.


Ron

(Singsongy voice) Well I didn’t sell a house today, but I’m Realtor Ron and I’m okay. (looks in the sink) Oh no, the seller left dishes in the sink. Wait a second, what’s in the bowl (Pulls out a bowl to see it is filled with cinnamon milk from the cereal. He throws it on the ground, goes on his knees, and sobs)


Fade Out

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