My Wife Left Me
Ext. A man is seen humming while nailing a “for sale” sign into the ground outside of a home. It is a beautiful sunny day.
Ron the Realtor
(in a singsongy voice)
I’m going to sell this house, I’m getting this deal done, because nobody beats the Realtor named Ron.
Ron picks up the phone.
Ron Hey Rhonda, haha, Rhonda, that’s like my name, with a duh (slaps his knee and starts chuckling...pauses clears throat) Anyway, I’m at the Mellon estate and have some buyers lined up, what's going on? There was a call from my darling wife….what did my little ray of sunshine have to say...my little skittle dish said what....my piping hot french onion soup is leaving me…(starts weeping) are you telling my that my cinnamony milk after a bowl of cinnamon toast crunch wants a divorce?! (Starts bawling) No its okay Rhonda, I can still do this, it’s fine. Here comes the first couple now.
A husband and wife walk up to Ron who is blowing his nose into a pile of tissues.
Excuse me, are you Ron?
(trying to smile) Yes thats me! (singsongy) You want a deal done, come to Realtor Ron. And you must be…
I’m Harry and this is my wife.
(starts crying again) Wife...that’s what I used to call her.
The husband and wife look at each other.
We can come back another time if you’re busy.
No, no, please come in. Let’s start on the deck. It’s the perfect place to relax at the end of a long hard day and catch a few (pauses, winces) rays of sunshine (breaks down again).
I think we’ll have to come back another time, thanks anyway Ron.
The husband and wife scurry away.
(singsongy to himself) It’s okay I’ll still sell this home, I just can’t think about my wife leaving me all alone. (Normal voice speaking to himself) Maybe I should really start inside though.
A man with his two kids comes up to the door.
Hello good sir. Why don’t you and the boys come right inside!
Everyone walks in the front door.
Thanks for seeing us on such short notice. The boys and I had some time after their little league game.
Dad can we have a snack?
Yea dad I want some candy?
If you ever want some candy, Realtor Ron has it handy. Come on into the dining room, I have a nice bowl of (pauses, starts sniffling and whispering to himself) come on Ron, keep it together. (Out loud) A big bowl of skittles (starts crying again) go on, taste the rainbow (snot is now coming out as he speaks).
Let’s go sons
Dad and sons run out of the house.
(Singsongy again) It might be hard to talk about sweets, but Realtor Ron will not be beat.
An elderly couple approaches.
Look at these two young studs! Why don’t start in the kitchen?
Okay, thats fine. We actually had a question about the stove.
Sure, go ahead.
Well my wife here, she was a cook for a long time, and is a fan of fine cuisine. Does the stove have a broiler?
Why of course it does! This is the top of the line Broiler9000.
Do you hear that honey? Sounds perfect for when you need to put the finishing touches on your...
(whispering to himself) Oh no…
Piping Hot French Onion Soup
(shouting) Get out right now you monsters!
Why, I never!
Elderly couple walks out.
(Singsongy voice) Well I didn’t sell a house today, but I’m Realtor Ron and I’m okay. (looks in the sink) Oh no, the seller left dishes in the sink. Wait a second, what’s in the bowl (Pulls out a bowl to see it is filled with cinnamon milk from the cereal. He throws it on the ground, goes on his knees, and sobs)