• Dave Orlansky

The Kibbitz Klinic

Updated: Aug 15, 2018

The following is a paid advertisement for The Kibbitz Klinic hotline:

Let’s face it - when you’re feeling under the weather, no one provides better care than Jewish mothers. Their rare blend of anxious doting, overprotective coddling and neurotic skepticism make them uniquely qualified as health care professionals. The problem is, not everyone has a Jewish mother to provide such care. Well that’s about to change. With the Kibbitz Klinic, our team of highly-qualified Jewish mothers work around the clock to ensure that you receive the ultimate Jewish mother experience without having to actually be Jewish yourself.

How does it work? It couldn’t be simpler! Whenever you don’t quite feel 100%, just call 1-800-JEW-MOMS. Within seconds we’ll have one of our expert moms on the line to provide you with their famous mix of incessant worrying and intrusive questioning, all wrapped up in a bundle of guilt-laden suggestions.

Let’s say you wake up with a minor cold. No worries! Our on-call mother will deliver matzah ball soup to your door and call every 5 minutes to see how you’re feeling. Or maybe you coughed once today. That probably means you have pneumonia from going outside without your jacket. Yep, that’s a thing, and the loving staff at the Kibbitz Klinic is here to help.

What our Jewish mothers lack in professional training and medical licenses they more than make up for with their unique combination of undying love and neurotic overprotectiveness. And with Kibbitz Klinic, you can finally say goodbye to archaic principles like doctor-patient confidentiality. With our team of Jewish mothers, your business is everybody’s business. Asthma, hemorrhoids, a nasty rash - whatever it is, our mothers will make sure all your relatives and neighbors are aware of what’s going on so they can help too!

So no more spending hours in the waiting room just for the doctor to tell you there’s nothing wrong. Here at the Kibbitz Klinic, you will never have to wait more than a minute, and our mothers will always find something wrong. Guaranteed!

If you’re not convinced, please read our patient testimonials below:

Steve, age 23: Six months ago I woke up with a runny nose and I decided to call the Kibbitz Klinic. The mother on call at the time, Bonnie, immediately sent me a 64-pack of tissues from Sam’s Club and then followed up with 20 minutes of questioning about how often I dust in my apartment. It turns out that I am deathly allergic to what she referred to as a buildup of “schmutz” in the air, and she now visits weekly to clean up to her standards. Thanks Kibbitz Klinic!

Jane, 28: Last month I woke up with a high fever and a terrible rash on my back. I called the Kibbitz Klinic and connected with a mother on call named Rachel. When I explained to Rachel that my symptoms were similar to that of Lyme Disease, she insisted that rather my condition was most likely due to the fact that I didn’t have a man in my life. She then spent an hour talking up her grandson, Michael, who is apparently a successful bar-mitzvah DJ in the northern Jersey area. In the past few weeks, my rash has grown to 5 times its original size, and I am now fairly certain I have Lyme Disease. But also have a date with Michael next Tuesday. Thanks Kibbitz Klinic!

Carl, age 32: I suffer from Irritable Bowel Syndrome and it started affecting my work, so I called the Kibbitz Klinic two weeks ago to see if there was anything they could do. I was immediately put on the line with a mom named Ethel, who couldn’t have been any sweeter. She said my diet lacked brisket, and she insisted on mailing me 30 tupperwares full of her own special frozen brisket recipe. She also called my boss without me knowing and told him that he needs to give me more bathroom breaks due to my violent diarrhea outbursts. That’s the kind of love and attention that only a Jewish mother could give!

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